6 months ago, I had never heard of FND. I was strong, healthy, and felt invincible. With the onset of my severe neurological symptoms, everything came crashing down. I felt weak, feeble, and vulnerable. The ‘hardware’ in my brain was still intact, but the ‘software’ in my brain was experiencing some significant glitches.
In order to correct the ‘software glitches’, I needed to forge new neuropathways by engaging in the tasks and movements that I was most familiar with: walking, emptying the dishwasher, folding the clothes, playing the violin, hitting a volleyball, etc.
Attempting to do these simple tasks for the first time after my FND diagnosis required humility, courage, and acceptance. The more I fought against my diagnosis, the worse my symptoms became. At first, saying or thinking the letters “FND” would trigger my symptoms: shaking, tremors, stuttering, balance issues, panic sensations, and cognitive impairment.
But then I accepted it. I swallowed it whole. I talked openly about it with friends I felt safe with. I researched it. I read about it.
And I began working at it.
I laughed when I fell down the first time I tried to hit the volleyball and missed completely. I rejoiced when I was able to read and follow a recipe again. I cried for joy when I played the violin for the first time and it all came back to me. I sweat bullets the first time I drove again. I could not wipe the smile off my face the first time I got back into the pool.
From these experiences, I learned that it was okay for the people around me to see me struggle. It was okay for ME to see me struggle. It was okay to show others my weakness, my feebleness and my vulnerability.
I was not planning on changing this way in my 40th year of life. But sometimes we aren’t in charge of what comes in and out of our lives and at what times or with what intensity. What we can control is how we respond to it. We choose what our bodies do. We choose what comes out of our mouth. We choose to keep trying, keep working, and keep growing.
Sometimes, change is beautiful.
For some reason, I’m not as scared of things. Today, I was interviewed by a local news station about a musical event I am organizing. The last time I was interviewed on live television was a few years ago. It was a terrifying experience. But today, I felt more calm and self assured. I knew that if I messed up (which I did!), everything would be okay.
My marriage has changed.
My brain has changed.
My expectations of myself have changed.
My appreciation for work has changed.
My appreciation for rest has changed.
My ability to feel has changed.
I have FND. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am not invincible.
